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In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that read joke
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| An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft... |
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hen he spies a field mouse down
below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the
mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the
mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."
The eagle says "what do you want?"
The mouse asks how high up they are.
The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."
The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??"
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| You know why a dog licks his ass? |
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Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
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| What has four legs and eight arms? |
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Q: ?
A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.
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| How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
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Q. ?
A. Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.
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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
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| A blind man is standing at the corner... |
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th his seeing eye dog waiting
to cross the street,
when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
herringbone tweed
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
retrieves a doggie biscuit
which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
happening and
interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
dog just pissed all
down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
going to teach him
much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his
head so I can kick his ass!"
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| What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? |
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Here's a sad one...
Q: ?
A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
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A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no
one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a
little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and
throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his
door. He opens it up and no one is there.
He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all
about?"
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A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest
a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."
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