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| Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog... |
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nd they don't know
where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts
his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says
"We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the
plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"
read joke
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| A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast... |
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A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
read joke
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| The wedding is off...no on! |
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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a
young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were
somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off,
sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he
shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests
repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for
free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and
approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of
beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The
guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the
other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All
right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed
back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride,
and asked "What happened to make you c read joke
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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
read joke
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A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from
there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"
read joke
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| One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub... |
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Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.
Fuck me shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.
What the fuck are you doing that for? says Smartie.
That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see
him, so Im hiding from him says Polo.
You should stand up to him says Smartie. Hell respect you more
if you do
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.
Fuck off you stripy wanker, or Ill knock the fucking shit out of
you says Polo.
Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink says Humbug.
Told you so says Smartie.
The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in
walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.
Fuck me shouts Polo again diving under the table.
What the fuck are you doing that for again says Smartie.
I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune says Polo.
So what? says Smartie.
Hes fucking menthol says Polo.
read joke
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Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American
authorities.
Among the brothers:
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Sooflay .......................the restauranteur
Guday......................... the half-Australian brother
Huray......................... the sports fanatic
Bejay..........................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay................the twins from the African mother
Sayhay.........................the baseball player
Ojay...........................the stalker / murderer
Gulay..........................the singer / entertainer
Ebay...........................the internet czar
Biliray........................the country music star
Ecksray........................the radiologist
Puray..........................the blender factory owner
Tupay..........................the one with bad hair
Among the sisters:
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Pusay..........................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay. read joke
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| A rural Frenchman was on trial... |
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r killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?"
read joke
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| Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English... |
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One
office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news
that she was being fired. He started the conversation with:
"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along
without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
read joke
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| An American was waiting on a London street corner... |
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n
attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of
wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
"'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
read joke
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