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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce
I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler read joke
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To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams read joke
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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley read joke
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A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan read joke
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner read joke
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I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt read joke
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Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Samuel Palmer read joke
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette
Absence -- that common cure of love read joke
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Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow read joke
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It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.
Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter OToole read joke
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