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| The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris... |
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rance,
and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the
array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.
"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied.
"That's why I want a nice gift."
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Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we
do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sis read joke
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| A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing... |
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s in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified, she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never
live to tell anyone."
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| A passenger announcement. |
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This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in
sideways.
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Tith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had
been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking
lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
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| This lady who was living in New York City had to get back... |
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her old country but she was broke.
One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.
"Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded.
"If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way
across the ocean."
Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag
and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was
hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day,
I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed.
This went on for about a week when by accident the captain
found her.
"Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the
story to the captain who busted up laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.
He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry."
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| A great way to spend eternity |
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A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making love.
"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.
"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the
husband.
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| The Zen Master is visiting New York City... |
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om Tibet. He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
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| A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines... |
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om
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time."
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| How do you pick up TWA flight attendants? |
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Q: ?
A: With a fishing pole!
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