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KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115
DATE:____________
NAME:
ADDRESS:
Please be advised that your operation is scheduled for
_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this
extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects
your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty
outlook on life.
Sincerely,
J. Grabber, M.D.
Kenmore Hospital
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THANK YOU
Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!
It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!
Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out
from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the
arse out of 40-gallon drum.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with a disease.
I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using
deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have
to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with
calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are
nothi read joke
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"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county
home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me
listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told
her to go fuck herself.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston"
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EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
============================================================================
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CE read joke
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===============
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come
together as a group, and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting
up the poster that says "There is no I in team," as well as the one that
says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of
the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you
don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave
daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying
to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while
we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background.
Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As read joke
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| The Importance Of Correct Punctuation |
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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let
me be yours?
Gloria
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you
let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
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| NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE |
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It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to
complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated.
We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With
this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of
code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in
an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive
brethren.
Old Phrase New Phrase
1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work lat read joke
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There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from
anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends
and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your
system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already
infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five
friends.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for
the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.
THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME!
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Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda.
PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
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| Condom Modelling Rejection |
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TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269
Dear John Doe,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors
feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled
condom is NOT considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a
bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a
market for micro-mini condoms.
We sen read joke
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