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| This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent... |
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pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
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"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance
Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye.
W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with
my supervisor . . ."
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Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit?"
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Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
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/ \
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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)
"W read joke
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| A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women... |
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in a short time were fighting over his attentions.
They held a meeting to resolve the problem and
decided that each would have his services on a
different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.
In due time the guy was dragging himself through the
week, looking forward to Sunday.
As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating
on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a
man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he
swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant
CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am
I ever glad to see you!
"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"
said the raft rider in a swishy way.
With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn,
there goes my Sundays!"
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| What do elephants use for tampoons? |
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Q. ?
A. Sheep.
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| With all the recent talk of cloning... |
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With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.
But in fact, a very wealthy westerner had himself cloned many years ago.
The boy grew up to have very foul mouth. The more the son swore, the\
madder the father got.
One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff.
The sheriff arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
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| One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party... |
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One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume
party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the
doorman would announce what there characters were.
When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie
Mouse".
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane"
and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of
underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having
ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the
local university CS department The doorman asked "How
shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"
"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I
cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"
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Tombstone Epitaph in Memory of an accident in a
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
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If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR's do read joke
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