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| A man was leaving church one day... |
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he Pastor was standing at the door (as
he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped
the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."
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How offensive is that?
Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.
Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!"
Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls.
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.
Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotio read joke
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The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD
will save me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the
second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save
him. Again he said "".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on
the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and
yet again he said "".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save
me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
you stay in the house?"
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| What is white and flies across the sky? |
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?
The coming of the Lord.
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| There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope... |
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There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this
kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said
to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can
do something about this...'
To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in
sales, not management.'
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d through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,
"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"
She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.
"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"
"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.
He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark." read joke
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike
cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will
he hurt us?"
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| Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport... |
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fe when in
walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marry
my mum next year."
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my
mum."
The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards
please pass the salt."
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When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake
City, Utah, a woman
told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the
Mormon religion
where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's
true," he replied, "as
a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."
"How
disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such
practices should be against
the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said,
"Yes, mam I am."
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