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An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:
Each for not wearing a seat belt!
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| What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum? |
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???
Answer: The position of the dirtbag!
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| Jones is driving past the state mental hospital... |
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en his left rear
tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug
nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when
he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the
inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other
three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage
or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes
the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was
pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not
because I'm stupid."
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| A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse... |
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e got out and
knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines either."
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After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going
back there?"
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0% of the people on the road are caused by accident.
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| After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines... |
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urly clerks and
insane regulations at the department of motor vehiciles, a lady stopped at
a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "
I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehical bureau. I am way past
sane!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you
going back there?"
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| A truck driver breaks down and... |
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ortly another trucker stops to give
him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted
on his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's a
conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots
of pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he
paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so
he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him
what it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"
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| When asked for her occupation... |
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woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."
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| How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up,,, |
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How many Los Angeles police officers does it
take to beat up a black motorist?
None. He fell down the stairs.
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