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| A woman enters a butcher shop and asks... |
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e counter assistant,
"Do you have pigs ears?"
The counter assistant replies,
"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"
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| A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road... |
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A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled, "Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,
"Bitch!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
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| One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world... |
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feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
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| Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her... |
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me for
the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and
introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living
room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on
the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring
curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes,"
Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so
that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken
vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no...
I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-
Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but
your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off
his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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| A man enters a barber shop for a shave... |
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hile the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
like everyone else does."
read joke
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| The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own... |
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urned to a woman
just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to
me?"
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that
every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,
"I just asked the time, miss."
In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you
say another word!"
Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened
to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and
wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a
quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,
but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis
on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."
The man stared at her for three seconds, then read joke
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Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next
to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back
to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn
into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
read joke
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A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a
naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much
appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
read joke
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| A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim... |
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large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."
read joke
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| One day Pete was complaining to his friend... |
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y elbow hurts. I better
see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it o read joke
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