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| Funky Zone Funny Pictures - Search Results |
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." read joke
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." read joke
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Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be respons read joke
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(Long but VERY Funny!)
Monday
------
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and
hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back
in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down
in base read joke
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Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not
"mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a
certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is
"proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word
strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults
would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I
Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing.
Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you
ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was
Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life
to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is
taken, I'll start at the other end."
Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a procto read joke
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LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET
Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet
NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the
consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a
Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet
will soon join the show's cast.
"The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame
Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said
Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D
does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that
Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new
character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with
the show." Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and
applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.
The gay muppet, "Bruce," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23,
CTW di read joke
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...
TREBEK: The category is "Political Subversion". The answer is: This
entity is dedicated to the destruction of religion, morality, and the
American way of life.
PLAYER: What is the KGB?
TREBEK: Be more specific.
PLAYER: What is PBS?
TREBEK: Right!
read joke
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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization read joke
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Average Iraqi
Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American
Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park
Average Iraqi
Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American
Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi
Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American
Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi
Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
by West
Average American
Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies
Average Iraqi
Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American
Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die
Average Iraqi
Has friend or relative wou read joke
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Bill of No Rights
by
Lewis W. Napper
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko
bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
Rights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is gua read joke
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